I told myself to go write
a poem yet instead got trapped
on BuzzFeed reading about ass
wiping techniques and shit
how about you, when you wipe
do you stand or sit?
yes, it’s a thing – moreover, it appears
some of us don’t wipe at all
mostly men (that goes without saying)
allowing their butts to leave marks
like toddlers clutching melting Milka bars
and we all wonder how
they have girlfriends – even wives –
and don’t their bums itch?
but no need to tell you nothing
beats poetry quite as well as
reading shit about shit


This poem first appeared in the August 2019 issue of The Lake.